Working out and thinking hard....

So, I wanted to do an update since last posting.

I am now attending night classes for a Vet tech degree, so that’s exciting and fun for me.  I love learning about stuff I enjoy and am passionate about.  I’m excited to get out there and start my externships in a couple months.

My kids are both at home with me all day, a little maddening at times since they are a handful to say the least, but we all try to get along.  I try to get them outside at least once a day when the weather is good.

I went to the gym today.  Been having a lot of stress and hard times lately, so haven't gotten around to going.  Shame on me, especially since I have now hit the 234 mark.  I totally disgust myself, but that is why I'm trying, and going to the gym, and eating better, when I do eat.  

So let's start off todays rambling about what I want...

What do I hope to accomplish?

• Lose Weight 
• Be Healthy
• Feel better
• Feel mentally stable
• Look pretty and feel pretty

K, now let's break those down.

Lose weight and Be healthy and Feel Better

These three goals are intertwined and I think losing weight is an obvious given.  I need to lose weight, it's no longer an option or choice for me.  If I don't lose weight I'll need new knees in like 10-20 years not to mention my health is slowly but surely deteriorating.  I want to feel strong and healthy and be healthy because I want to grow old with my husband and family.  I don't want to die, I WANT TO LIIIIVE!

Feel better mentally

It's a proven fact that exercise and a healthy body make for a happy and stable mind.  I am so slew of emotion because of being overweight, tired, and feeling like poop all the time.  I want to feel better mentally and exercise was really helping me with that.

Look and feel pretty (here's the long one...hang on tight...)

I know what you're thinking..."Omg Erin you ARE pretty shut up u don't know what yer talking about.. blah blah blah"  Ok, I feel you guys, I do...not really...I do not take compliments well, ever.  But for me to ever accept myself I have to feel like I do look pretty.  For me, this may be a goal I will never attain.  

Self confidence for Erin = -infinity

That's why even if I thought about surgery for one second...only one a swear, it wouldn't matter, because even after I got surgery, I would still be unhappy with myself.  For one I think cosmetic surgery is stupid imo because the risks are too much.  If it were just me alone, sure i'd try it, but I have a family that depends on me and I won't have selfish surgery if there's a chance, no matter how slight, of death.  But long story short, no confidence, nothing will ever change the way I feel about myself.  I'm the only one who can make myself lose weight and tone up and feel better about myself.  I think it would be a shock to wake up the day after surgery and you've lost half of who you are..to me..I think it would be worse knowing I didn't do it on my own.

I have this unrealistic picture of myself in my mind, and I think it's how I actually look, so when I do look in the mirror and see myself, my true worldly reality body..well, it's kind of soul shattering for me.  I avoid mirrors when I can.  I wear t shirts and jeans, I tie up my hair (when I had hair), and I put on makeup occasionally, because my face is the only nice part on me, on good days.  Most of me is a total lounge hippie so I like being comfortable.  I hate wearing dresses and skirts, dress up shoes, and getting all "done up" to go places.  I'm a homebody.  I don't like wearing shorts, and when it finally gets too hot to wear pants I wear my husband' shorts.  If I'm in a dress, I hate life.  But sometimes....within the last couple years..I wish I could dress cute and all.  But the way the dress/outfit looks on that cute girl...well it doesn't look the same on me.  So, meh I've given up on that.  I know who I am and what makes me happy and what let's me be comfortable and be myself, I'm happy with that.

"Oh girl, don't u get compliments?  Your husband just isn't making you feel good about yourself."  Do you seriously know how much I hear this?  It's NOT true people, my husband, Rob, compliments me all the time.  He tells me I'm beautiful and he loves me everyday, sometimes every other hour.  He does everything I want and gives me the world!  No matter how much he tells me I'm pretty it wouldn't matter because I don't take compliments.  And it drives him crazy!  I wanted to share this because a lot of time people think it's their spouse causing their confidence problems..sometimes it is, and sometimes it isn't, in my case it is not.

Oh man I could babble on and on about that, but I'm sure your eyes are bleeding.

So, let's recap my ramblings of today...

Weight: 

234

Goal Weight right now?  

Under 200 lbs

Achievement for this?  I will buy myself a tattoo when I get under 200 lbs, that is my reward for myself.

"Omg tattoos they're so lame and stupid blah blah blah", u know what people I'm an adult and if you don't like it, don't look at it.  I have tattoos and had piercings and I loved them.  I'd get my lip pierced if I wasn't going into the medical field.  But I'm beyond that teenage "omg i do what i want" phase cause I have to do what is right for me and my family and having a job is more important to me than metal in my face.

Gym Goals

Weights

• Toning
• Strength
• Fat burning
•  Muscles look good on girls too ;)

Cardio

• Treadmill
• Elliptical
• Yoga
• Bike

Cardiovascular Health

• Want to run, jog, sprint without pulse shooting up to 180-200
• Want to maintain strength
• Want more stamina
• Want to be able to do cardio for 30-45 minutes

Ok so that's it for now, I will update again this time next week and we'll see where we're at.  I'd like to see some more followers so I don't feel like I'm talking to myself, but I guess that is ok too.


Now to give you a better idea of things to put into perspective I give you a picture timeline!!!!

2006

 

2009

 

 

2011 present

You've seen this pic before maybe.  This was when I first started this blog, I had lost some weight was at 203 and no longer wearing these pants.  I am now, in 2011, wearing these pants again.

Mind you, most of these are headshots, I refuse to take a full body shot, although maybe I can convince Rob to do one later for my blog.  I tend to have a very thin, well proportioned head.  Although now I'm starting to get a double chin thing going on, but I think it's more genetics than anything, so not much I can do to prevent that.

So, as you can see, I've gone from slightly overweight and feeling sassy to much overweight and feeling depressed.  When I think about how I used to think I was overweight..well, it's depressing to say the least.  The pants I used to wear, 15/16, when i first met Rob, I used to think I was sooo fat, and now I can't even get one leg of those pants on.

Enough sulking! On to better things, more weight loss, and a healthy future!!