Oh such a big surprise, I've had to put things on hiatus again.
Not to say I'm happy about this, but honestly until we move there is nothing I can do. I had to cancel my gym membership because I couldn't afford the gas to go to the gym, it's a 48 mile roundtrip.
Finding time to exercise at home is difficult for me because I am most unmotivated person ever at home. I cannot urge my butt to get up and go do something. I have netflix and hulu which has a ton of workout videos, but again, when am I going to be motivated enough to do this? Going TO the gym is my motivation and I'm just one of those people who does better going somewhere else to exercise.
How was the gym anyways?
It was amazing! I was doing stuff on the treadmill and had gotten to walking/sprinting 45 minutes a day. It was really rough at first but I did it. Had a scare with some bradycardia, but other than that, I've been ok. I didn't like how plain the gym was though, and would definitely like more options, like a spa, pool, yoga classes, etc...
So why don't you go walking or running in your neighborhood?
Yea I get this a lot, and it's really starting to freaking annoy me. You know why? Because I'm in the middle of no where out here, the neighborhood is full of tumbleweeds, trash, and wild packs of dogs, so I don't think so.
What's my plan then?
Well I don't want to gain any weight, so for the most part I watch what I eat, and don't eat excess amounts of food, or snack or anything. I'm still trying to find a treadmill right now as I know I can motivate myself to do that at least. My husband would also want a treadmill too, although he prefers the elliptical but I can't think of anywhere I can fit both in the house, I have ideas for just one area for a treadmill.
I play wow a lot, and I know myself and know that less computer time is unlikely going to happen, so I'm trying to take more breaks, limit my time online etc... I keep my comp online all day, so it may seem I'm at the comp all day but I'm not lol.
Active wise, cleaning the house takes a lot out of me. My fibromyalgia has been acting up a lot lately so I've been having a rough time. But doing stuff keeps me flexible, to a point lol, and I love doing stuff around the house when I'm motivated to do it. Trying to reorganize the living room yet again so that I can setup the xmas tree and all. Nothing like moving furniture to get the muscles moving lol.
A month ago I was busy doing an externship for my school degree and I loved it, it kept me strong and active, and gave me a good purpose outside of the home and allowed me to be social. Now that it's done, I'm having a hard time readjusting to doing absolutely nothing at home. I go into town maybe once a week now, and other than talking with other people online, I'm pretty isolated and lonely. Been looking for work, but it's daunting and not having a high turnover right now. I was trying to apply for evening emergency work, but I think that my resume is lacking most likely in experience, and I need to find something during the day instead. This makes things a lot more challenging with daycare, and Elsie's school schedule is crazy wonky out here, but we're going to have to figure it out. One, because I need to get out of the house and start contributing financially to the household, and Two, we can't plan on moving once the lease is up until I'm working and bringing in some money.
For now though, it's a day to day thing. Everyday I'm working really hard to be active in my house and clean and do dishes and change our lazy lifestyle around. It's hard, boring and annoying, but it's working. It's nice having a clean house and a clean kitchen. Wish I had trash service, but that's another annoyance of being out here lol, it's a pita to set it up and everyone wants an arm and a leg to set it up. Ug. 6 more months lol...
So simple...
Watch my weight
Try to stay relatively active by doing normal things like housework, bathing dogs, etc..
Try to stay mentally busy to avoid pondering too much and depression. Gotta stay positive.
Weight to Date: 227
Haven't gained weight since last time so that's good, but I pretty much lost that weight from my externship, so at least I've been able to hold it steady.
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Here we go again, hopefully we can stay on track this time?
Ok, so here I am again. Hopefully continuing on with this blog until the ultimate achievement has happened, which is Adipose Nirvana!!
In all honesty though, complete nirvana may never happen, because I know myself and I know I like to be lazy and eat cookies and I'm sorry but salad is for rabbits, I don't DO salad.
If you're reading my blog for the first time, I would suggest going to my previous entries to get a good understanding of what this is all about.
First things first!!
What has happened since the last blogging?
School and we moved!
Wow that's some random things, let's break it down and figure it all out. Dang, this may be a longer blog than I planned..
1. School
So I signed up for school, went to PIMA medical institute for their veterinary assistant program. It was amazing! I learned a ton, learned a lot of skills to help me in the field, met a lot of people, made a lot of friends, and in the end, I'm very glad I did it. I did have some issues from being in school though...
Being in school at night and watching the kids during the day was emotionally and physically draining, but I didn't mind it. What I did hate though was not being able to go to the gym. The gym we were at would not allow us to bring the kids twice a day to their daycare, so we were unable to go to the gym, and I found it frivolous to spend so much on a gym membership, we're talking about $100 a month, when no one could use it. If I went in the mornings, husband couldn't go at night, and vice versa, so it was infuriating, and thus began the cycle of not working out again. I tried walking everyday with the kids and the puppy before he passed away but it became a circus and I didn't want to deal with the shenanigans of it anymore.
Another malfunction with school was the fact that I didn't see Robert anymore. This caused relationship hardship and strain and emotions began to grate in unpleasant ways. We don't do well apart from each other, and never saw each other anymore. It's kind of awful but it's taking time to get used to. Eventually I'll continue with the vet tech program, prolly not till next year, but it'll be hard again cause this time i'll be working during the day and doing class at night.
2. Moved
We moved out of our apartment in to a house! A 3 bedroom house with a huge backyard for the kids and our new adopted dog! A house in the country where it's quiet and peaceful! A safe neighborhood and country school! What could possibly go wrong!?
Ug, don't get me started. This is totally a good thing, but we jumped at the wrong opportunity. When in the apartment we had little time to move, and could not find a place to move, so when this house came up on CL, it seemed like a good thing. The price was right and the tenant convinced me the bills were reasonable and all that's nice and sugar and spice basically.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not a complete downer, it's just I wished we would've thought ahead a little bit more and all. We're almost 30 miles out of town, which wasn't that big of a deal because the bills were supposed to be lower and with rent being lower it was supposed to even out. Well add into that bills that are 3x the original guesstimate and we're pretty much drowning in it. I'm trying to find work but having a hard time because of the daycare situation and the fact that our daughter is in school 4 days a week, not 5, so that's a day where I have to figure out where she can go.
I also had this ideal of having this huge yard where we could build a chicken coop on one side and the dog, and now dogs because we adopted another dog, could hang out on the other. The kids could play in the yard and it would just be this happy ideal country life thing going on. Reality check = huge yard full of noxious and allergy inducing weeds, so thus the kids can't play out there because of allergies and no lawn mower, and we don't have the time to care for livestock.
I thought I'd be ok with being out here, but it's very isolated and lonely. I didn't realize how social I actually am. So basically, I'm isolated and lonely when Rob is gone, the kids can't even go outside because it's been too hot or it's a mudhole outside, and I can't go into town because I never have the gas.
Not to mention the mileage I'm putting on a car, an old 96 van, that keeps dying. Just got it fixed again (thanks mom and dad!) and now the fan went out a couple days ago, so no air, a/c, and the windows don't work. It's a damned death trap right now. Ug
Enough pity party though. We've learned a valuable lesson. Obviously. Now we just have to suck it up 9 more months until the lease is up. By then we'll have money saved up to move into a house in town. But with both of us working we can afford 1200 rent, which is the majority of the rent for homes we're looking at. I just wanna be in town now, but we must push on!!
So that's pretty much what has been going on..
Yesterday we got a gym membership at Fitness 19, which is a small gym in town. It's a great gym, and not fancy, but for the affordable price and their awesome daycare we can't go wrong :)
I worked out last night, did a ton of cardio on the treadmill, elliptical, and the bike. Did some free weights and machine work. So we'll see how it goes. I'm still determined!!
Goals are pretty much the same, let's keep it simple, since I'm sure you're tired of reading my ramblings..
Weight: 234
Goal Weight right now: Under 200 lbs!!
There, easy right?
Ha ha..heh..ug, long road ahead....
Till next time <3
In all honesty though, complete nirvana may never happen, because I know myself and I know I like to be lazy and eat cookies and I'm sorry but salad is for rabbits, I don't DO salad.
If you're reading my blog for the first time, I would suggest going to my previous entries to get a good understanding of what this is all about.
First things first!!
What has happened since the last blogging?
School and we moved!
Wow that's some random things, let's break it down and figure it all out. Dang, this may be a longer blog than I planned..
1. School
So I signed up for school, went to PIMA medical institute for their veterinary assistant program. It was amazing! I learned a ton, learned a lot of skills to help me in the field, met a lot of people, made a lot of friends, and in the end, I'm very glad I did it. I did have some issues from being in school though...
Being in school at night and watching the kids during the day was emotionally and physically draining, but I didn't mind it. What I did hate though was not being able to go to the gym. The gym we were at would not allow us to bring the kids twice a day to their daycare, so we were unable to go to the gym, and I found it frivolous to spend so much on a gym membership, we're talking about $100 a month, when no one could use it. If I went in the mornings, husband couldn't go at night, and vice versa, so it was infuriating, and thus began the cycle of not working out again. I tried walking everyday with the kids and the puppy before he passed away but it became a circus and I didn't want to deal with the shenanigans of it anymore.
Another malfunction with school was the fact that I didn't see Robert anymore. This caused relationship hardship and strain and emotions began to grate in unpleasant ways. We don't do well apart from each other, and never saw each other anymore. It's kind of awful but it's taking time to get used to. Eventually I'll continue with the vet tech program, prolly not till next year, but it'll be hard again cause this time i'll be working during the day and doing class at night.
2. Moved
We moved out of our apartment in to a house! A 3 bedroom house with a huge backyard for the kids and our new adopted dog! A house in the country where it's quiet and peaceful! A safe neighborhood and country school! What could possibly go wrong!?
Ug, don't get me started. This is totally a good thing, but we jumped at the wrong opportunity. When in the apartment we had little time to move, and could not find a place to move, so when this house came up on CL, it seemed like a good thing. The price was right and the tenant convinced me the bills were reasonable and all that's nice and sugar and spice basically.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not a complete downer, it's just I wished we would've thought ahead a little bit more and all. We're almost 30 miles out of town, which wasn't that big of a deal because the bills were supposed to be lower and with rent being lower it was supposed to even out. Well add into that bills that are 3x the original guesstimate and we're pretty much drowning in it. I'm trying to find work but having a hard time because of the daycare situation and the fact that our daughter is in school 4 days a week, not 5, so that's a day where I have to figure out where she can go.
I also had this ideal of having this huge yard where we could build a chicken coop on one side and the dog, and now dogs because we adopted another dog, could hang out on the other. The kids could play in the yard and it would just be this happy ideal country life thing going on. Reality check = huge yard full of noxious and allergy inducing weeds, so thus the kids can't play out there because of allergies and no lawn mower, and we don't have the time to care for livestock.
I thought I'd be ok with being out here, but it's very isolated and lonely. I didn't realize how social I actually am. So basically, I'm isolated and lonely when Rob is gone, the kids can't even go outside because it's been too hot or it's a mudhole outside, and I can't go into town because I never have the gas.
Not to mention the mileage I'm putting on a car, an old 96 van, that keeps dying. Just got it fixed again (thanks mom and dad!) and now the fan went out a couple days ago, so no air, a/c, and the windows don't work. It's a damned death trap right now. Ug
Enough pity party though. We've learned a valuable lesson. Obviously. Now we just have to suck it up 9 more months until the lease is up. By then we'll have money saved up to move into a house in town. But with both of us working we can afford 1200 rent, which is the majority of the rent for homes we're looking at. I just wanna be in town now, but we must push on!!
So that's pretty much what has been going on..
Yesterday we got a gym membership at Fitness 19, which is a small gym in town. It's a great gym, and not fancy, but for the affordable price and their awesome daycare we can't go wrong :)
I worked out last night, did a ton of cardio on the treadmill, elliptical, and the bike. Did some free weights and machine work. So we'll see how it goes. I'm still determined!!
Goals are pretty much the same, let's keep it simple, since I'm sure you're tired of reading my ramblings..
Weight: 234
Goal Weight right now: Under 200 lbs!!
There, easy right?
Ha ha..heh..ug, long road ahead....
Till next time <3
Monday, March 14, 2011
Working out and thinking hard....
So, I wanted to do an update since last posting.
I am now attending night classes for a Vet tech degree, so that’s exciting and fun for me. I love learning about stuff I enjoy and am passionate about. I’m excited to get out there and start my externships in a couple months.
My kids are both at home with me all day, a little maddening at times since they are a handful to say the least, but we all try to get along. I try to get them outside at least once a day when the weather is good.
I went to the gym today. Been having a lot of stress and hard times lately, so haven't gotten around to going. Shame on me, especially since I have now hit the 234 mark. I totally disgust myself, but that is why I'm trying, and going to the gym, and eating better, when I do eat.
So let's start off todays rambling about what I want...
What do I hope to accomplish?
- Lose Weight
- Be Healthy
- Feel better
- Feel mentally stable
- Look pretty and feel pretty
K, now let's break those down.
Lose weight and Be healthy and Feel Better
These three goals are intertwined and I think losing weight is an obvious given. I need to lose weight, it's no longer an option or choice for me. If I don't lose weight I'll need new knees in like 10-20 years not to mention my health is slowly but surely deteriorating. I want to feel strong and healthy and be healthy because I want to grow old with my husband and family. I don't want to die, I WANT TO LIIIIVE!
Feel better mentally
It's a proven fact that exercise and a healthy body make for a happy and stable mind. I am so slew of emotion because of being overweight, tired, and feeling like poop all the time. I want to feel better mentally and exercise was really helping me with that.
Look and feel pretty (here's the long one...hang on tight...)
I know what you're thinking..."Omg Erin you ARE pretty shut up u don't know what yer talking about.. blah blah blah" Ok, I feel you guys, I do...not really...I do not take compliments well, ever. But for me to ever accept myself I have to feel like I do look pretty. For me, this may be a goal I will never attain.
Self confidence for Erin = -infinity
That's why even if I thought about surgery for one second...only one a swear, it wouldn't matter, because even after I got surgery, I would still be unhappy with myself. For one I think cosmetic surgery is stupid imo because the risks are too much. If it were just me alone, sure i'd try it, but I have a family that depends on me and I won't have selfish surgery if there's a chance, no matter how slight, of death. But long story short, no confidence, nothing will ever change the way I feel about myself. I'm the only one who can make myself lose weight and tone up and feel better about myself. I think it would be a shock to wake up the day after surgery and you've lost half of who you are..to me..I think it would be worse knowing I didn't do it on my own.
I have this unrealistic picture of myself in my mind, and I think it's how I actually look, so when I do look in the mirror and see myself, my true worldly reality body..well, it's kind of soul shattering for me. I avoid mirrors when I can. I wear t shirts and jeans, I tie up my hair (when I had hair), and I put on makeup occasionally, because my face is the only nice part on me, on good days. Most of me is a total lounge hippie so I like being comfortable. I hate wearing dresses and skirts, dress up shoes, and getting all "done up" to go places. I'm a homebody. I don't like wearing shorts, and when it finally gets too hot to wear pants I wear my husband' shorts. If I'm in a dress, I hate life. But sometimes....within the last couple years..I wish I could dress cute and all. But the way the dress/outfit looks on that cute girl...well it doesn't look the same on me. So, meh I've given up on that. I know who I am and what makes me happy and what let's me be comfortable and be myself, I'm happy with that.
"Oh girl, don't u get compliments? Your husband just isn't making you feel good about yourself." Do you seriously know how much I hear this? It's NOT true people, my husband, Rob, compliments me all the time. He tells me I'm beautiful and he loves me everyday, sometimes every other hour. He does everything I want and gives me the world! No matter how much he tells me I'm pretty it wouldn't matter because I don't take compliments. And it drives him crazy! I wanted to share this because a lot of time people think it's their spouse causing their confidence problems..sometimes it is, and sometimes it isn't, in my case it is not.
Oh man I could babble on and on about that, but I'm sure your eyes are bleeding.
So, let's recap my ramblings of today...
Weight:
234
Goal Weight right now?
Under 200 lbs
Achievement for this? I will buy myself a tattoo when I get under 200 lbs, that is my reward for myself.
"Omg tattoos they're so lame and stupid blah blah blah", u know what people I'm an adult and if you don't like it, don't look at it. I have tattoos and had piercings and I loved them. I'd get my lip pierced if I wasn't going into the medical field. But I'm beyond that teenage "omg i do what i want" phase cause I have to do what is right for me and my family and having a job is more important to me than metal in my face.
Gym Goals
Weights
- Toning
- Strength
- Fat burning
- Muscles look good on girls too ;)
Cardio
- Treadmill
- Elliptical
- Yoga
- Bike
Cardiovascular Health
- Want to run, jog, sprint without pulse shooting up to 180-200
- Want to maintain strength
- Want more stamina
- Want to be able to do cardio for 30-45 minutes
Ok so that's it for now, I will update again this time next week and we'll see where we're at. I'd like to see some more followers so I don't feel like I'm talking to myself, but I guess that is ok too.
Now to give you a better idea of things to put into perspective I give you a picture timeline!!!!
 | |
| 2006 |
 | ||
| 2009 |
 | |
| 2011 present |
 | |
| You've seen this pic before maybe. This was when I first started this blog, I had lost some weight was at 203 and no longer wearing these pants. I am now, in 2011, wearing these pants again. |
So, as you can see, I've gone from slightly overweight and feeling sassy to much overweight and feeling depressed. When I think about how I used to think I was overweight..well, it's depressing to say the least. The pants I used to wear, 15/16, when i first met Rob, I used to think I was sooo fat, and now I can't even get one leg of those pants on.
Enough sulking! On to better things, more weight loss, and a healthy future!!
Friday, January 7, 2011
Whoa Nelly!
Alright.. so it's happened....
I've gone and fallen off the bandwagon, as opposed to staying on it. And when I fell off, I forgot to tuck and roll, so I have kept rolling and bumping and getting beatup, scratched and bruised the whole way down.
So whoa nelly! Put on the brakes, and let me patch myself up, recover my pride and shame, and let me get back on the bandwagon.
I have hit rock bottom. What does this mean for me? I have lost all motivation for going to the gym, working out, eating right, getting healthy, I've gained back all my weight and then some, lost my muscle tone and flexibility, and I am in a very poor mental state.
Lost the gym membership because in all honesty, I can't afford it. Gym memberships are expensive, and although they were willing to work with us and even give us free membership, it can only go on for so long. I mean, it is a business after all and they need money too. I have no hard feelings towards them, they were great. Maybe one day we'll get another gym membership, but for now I have to learn to do this on my own.
Let's get down to the nitty gritty of it all. Am I fat because I choose to be? Well, yes and no. I like to eat, and I can be lazy, but I also know when to stop eating and I do love to go outside and hike and play with my kids. With a new puppy in the picture we're taking daily walks. Although they are really slow right now, because he's a baby puppy. But as Odinn gets bigger (*sneak peek* I'll be blogging on our puppy experience in another blog to come**) the walks will get better, longer, and faster. I have a lot of health problems that do affect how I work out, how I live, feel, sleep, etc.. So in that fact it does affect my weight and state of mind.
Let's talk about health for a second...I lost my insurance, so thus I lost my meds, which has made me lose some of my sanity and makes life even more difficult. I haven't lost any weight though, so thanks a lot meds >.< Now let me clarify..when I say sanity, I don't mean like "Oh god the girl's gone loopy someone call the nuthouse!' I mean, it's difficult for me to function because I feel manic a lot, have fits of rage, etc.. I never used to be like this. But after I had a TIA, or a small stroke, back in 2006, I haven't quite been the same.
I hate to blame my behavior on my health issues, but sorry I believe there are things that we can't explain in our bodies that cause us to do things out of our control. I can go from feeling totally calm to losing it over my kids ignoring me and then I can't handle the smallest thing for the rest of the day.
Actually, while writing this blog I have gone from feeling calm and centered ---> anxious, nauseous, grumpy, and out of control. I feel like i'm going to throw up right now.
I need to seriously get some insurance and go back on some meds.
Anyway, enough about feeling manic...
My plan is to try to start exercising again without a gym so that is going to involve a lot of walking and some exercise videos. I haven't done yoga in forever so I feel like ick right now. But my main goal is not to stop eating or turn into a twig or whatever. I have now learned that I need to be comfortable with myself, even if I am a little overweight. I need to be stronger and more calm. I want to be a better wife, friend, mother, and all around person. I want to ideally be calm 24/7. I hate yelling and losing my temper, I hate being tired, but the insomnia won't stop. I haven't slept in like 2 or 3 weeks, I have lost count obviously.
Because I have fibromyalgia along with a slew of other health problems I'm never going to feel awesome, but I want to be able to function normally, so that would be a plus for sure.
Think I'm done for now, just wanted to blog since I haven't in forever.
I've gone and fallen off the bandwagon, as opposed to staying on it. And when I fell off, I forgot to tuck and roll, so I have kept rolling and bumping and getting beatup, scratched and bruised the whole way down.
So whoa nelly! Put on the brakes, and let me patch myself up, recover my pride and shame, and let me get back on the bandwagon.
I have hit rock bottom. What does this mean for me? I have lost all motivation for going to the gym, working out, eating right, getting healthy, I've gained back all my weight and then some, lost my muscle tone and flexibility, and I am in a very poor mental state.
Lost the gym membership because in all honesty, I can't afford it. Gym memberships are expensive, and although they were willing to work with us and even give us free membership, it can only go on for so long. I mean, it is a business after all and they need money too. I have no hard feelings towards them, they were great. Maybe one day we'll get another gym membership, but for now I have to learn to do this on my own.
Let's get down to the nitty gritty of it all. Am I fat because I choose to be? Well, yes and no. I like to eat, and I can be lazy, but I also know when to stop eating and I do love to go outside and hike and play with my kids. With a new puppy in the picture we're taking daily walks. Although they are really slow right now, because he's a baby puppy. But as Odinn gets bigger (*sneak peek* I'll be blogging on our puppy experience in another blog to come**) the walks will get better, longer, and faster. I have a lot of health problems that do affect how I work out, how I live, feel, sleep, etc.. So in that fact it does affect my weight and state of mind.
Let's talk about health for a second...I lost my insurance, so thus I lost my meds, which has made me lose some of my sanity and makes life even more difficult. I haven't lost any weight though, so thanks a lot meds >.< Now let me clarify..when I say sanity, I don't mean like "Oh god the girl's gone loopy someone call the nuthouse!' I mean, it's difficult for me to function because I feel manic a lot, have fits of rage, etc.. I never used to be like this. But after I had a TIA, or a small stroke, back in 2006, I haven't quite been the same.
I hate to blame my behavior on my health issues, but sorry I believe there are things that we can't explain in our bodies that cause us to do things out of our control. I can go from feeling totally calm to losing it over my kids ignoring me and then I can't handle the smallest thing for the rest of the day.
Actually, while writing this blog I have gone from feeling calm and centered ---> anxious, nauseous, grumpy, and out of control. I feel like i'm going to throw up right now.
I need to seriously get some insurance and go back on some meds.
Anyway, enough about feeling manic...
My plan is to try to start exercising again without a gym so that is going to involve a lot of walking and some exercise videos. I haven't done yoga in forever so I feel like ick right now. But my main goal is not to stop eating or turn into a twig or whatever. I have now learned that I need to be comfortable with myself, even if I am a little overweight. I need to be stronger and more calm. I want to be a better wife, friend, mother, and all around person. I want to ideally be calm 24/7. I hate yelling and losing my temper, I hate being tired, but the insomnia won't stop. I haven't slept in like 2 or 3 weeks, I have lost count obviously.
Because I have fibromyalgia along with a slew of other health problems I'm never going to feel awesome, but I want to be able to function normally, so that would be a plus for sure.
Think I'm done for now, just wanted to blog since I haven't in forever.
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