Whoa Nelly!

Alright.. so it's happened....

I've gone and fallen off the bandwagon, as opposed to staying on it.  And when I fell off, I forgot to tuck and roll, so I have kept rolling and bumping and getting beatup, scratched and bruised the whole way down.

So whoa nelly!  Put on the brakes, and let me patch myself up, recover my pride and shame, and let me get back on the bandwagon.

I have hit rock bottom.  What does this mean for me?  I have lost all motivation for going to the gym, working out, eating right, getting healthy, I've gained back all my weight and then some, lost my muscle tone and flexibility, and I am in a very poor mental state.

Lost the gym membership because in all honesty, I can't afford it.  Gym memberships are expensive, and although they were willing to work with us and even give us free membership, it can only go on for so long.  I mean, it is a business after all and they need money too.  I have no hard feelings towards them, they were great.  Maybe one day we'll get another gym membership, but for now I have to learn to do this on my own.

Let's get down to the nitty gritty of it all.  Am I fat because I choose to be?  Well, yes and no.  I like to eat, and I can be lazy, but I also know when to stop eating and I do love to go outside and hike and play with my kids.  With a new puppy in the picture we're taking daily walks.  Although they are really slow right now, because he's a baby puppy.  But as Odinn gets bigger (*sneak peek* I'll be blogging on our puppy experience in another blog to come**) the walks will get better, longer, and faster.  I have a lot of health problems that do affect how I work out, how I live, feel, sleep, etc..  So in that fact it does affect my weight and state of mind.

Let's talk about health for a second...I lost my insurance, so thus I lost my meds, which has made me lose some of my sanity and makes life even more difficult.  I haven't lost any weight though, so thanks a lot meds >.<  Now let me clarify..when I say sanity, I don't mean like "Oh god the girl's gone loopy someone call the nuthouse!'  I mean, it's difficult for me to function because I feel manic a lot, have fits of rage, etc..  I never used to be like this.  But after I had a TIA, or a small stroke, back in 2006, I haven't quite been the same. 

I hate to blame my behavior on my health issues, but sorry I believe there are things that we can't explain in our bodies that cause us to do things out of our control.  I can go from feeling totally calm to losing it over my kids ignoring me and then I can't handle the smallest thing for the rest of the day. 

Actually, while writing this blog I have gone from feeling calm and centered ---> anxious, nauseous, grumpy, and out of control.  I feel like i'm going to throw up right now. 

I need to seriously get some insurance and go back on some meds. 

Anyway, enough about feeling manic...

My plan is to try to start exercising again without a gym so that is going to involve a lot of walking and some exercise videos.  I haven't done yoga in forever so I feel like ick right now.  But my main goal is not to stop eating or turn into a twig or whatever.  I have now learned that I need to be comfortable with myself, even if I am a little overweight.  I need to be stronger and more calm.  I want to be a better wife, friend, mother, and all around person.  I want to ideally be calm 24/7.  I hate yelling and losing my temper, I hate being tired, but the insomnia won't stop.  I haven't slept in like 2 or 3 weeks, I have lost count obviously.

Because I have fibromyalgia along with a slew of other health problems I'm never going to feel awesome, but I want to be able to function normally, so that would be a plus for sure.

Think I'm done for now, just wanted to blog since I haven't in forever.